Alucard vs The Scarlet Devil Mansion (Abridged)
by 336
Summary: Because every Hellsing story needs it's Abridged counterpart...
1. Shooting The Leprechaun

_**The Following Is A Fan-Based Parody Of A Fan-Based Fic**_

Just thought you'd like to know.

I mean, It's not like they enforce copyright on this site, right?

Oh, speaking of that fic, You might want to read It before you read this one.

Just sayin.

* * *

"Snowball fight!"

Meiling, who was propped up against the gate sleeping, awoke to find a small girl In a blue dress, who she recognized as the ice fairy Cirno, flying at her. She dodged to the side, and the fairy flew past, demolishing the gate of the SDM. Cirno then slid to a stop on the stone path, small versions of her flying In circles around her head.

"HEY!" Meiling yelled, turning to see Alucard standing a few yards away. "What In Gensokyo do you think you're doing!?"

"I'm cra- I mean, attending a party." Alucard chuckled, a smug grin plastered to his face. He reached into his coat and pulled out a pink envelope. "I heard my daughter was having her 500th birthday! Can you believe that?!"

"Daughter!?" Meiling said, raising an eyebrow.

"I know!" Alucard replied enthusiastically. "It's like she's a lying little bitch or something! I'm so proud!"

Meiling's eye twitched.

"Awww, are you ok gatekeeper? Did I wake you from your nap?" Alucard taunted.

"My name, Is Meiling." Meiling said slowly.

"Oh Is It now?" Alucard opened the letter In the envelope and shifted his glasses slightly. "Due to this letter, I was under the impression you were called… Ah yes. China."

"OK THAT'S IT!" Meiling smashed her hands together, engulfing them In rainbow colored flames.

"Woah Woah! Calm down." Alucard said sarcastically. "You should be proud of your name! China Is my favorite country!" He then put the letter away, but kept his hand hidden beneath his coat. "Do you know why?"

"Why." Meiling said, not amused.

"China invented gunpowder!" Alucard said In a sing song voice before darting over and touching the tip of the Jackal to Meiling's head. He fired, and the top half of the gatekeeper's head was liquefied, splattering all over the remains of her gate. Her body quickly thumped to the ground and lay still.

Alucard put away the Jackal and stepped over Meiling's body. He was only halfway to the front door when his phone started to ring.

"Ello?" Alucard said, putting a bulky, grey phone to his ear.

"YOU CAN'T KILL OFF A FAN-FAVORITE CHARACTER LIKE THAT!" A mysterious male voice yelled. "I WILL FIND YOU AND-"

"And what?" Alucard grinned.

"I-I WILL FUCKING KICK YOUR-"

"Sorry I can't hear you over the sound of how SAVAGE I am!" Alucard then dropped the phone. It clattered to the ground, where It was crushed to dust by his shiny black boots. He was about to continue forward when he heard the faint gurgling of blood coming from beside him. Cirno was twitching In a pool of her own life-force while staring up at Alucard with puppy eye's.

"Oh don't give me that look. You fairy's come back to life after a day." Alucard said, pulling out the Casull and shooting the ice fairy several times In the back. He then looked up thoughtfully. "Huh. I guess that means I have to kill Edward again. Oh well. Family comes first, am I right?"

Alucard walked up to the front doors of the mansion. He raised his foot and smashed the doors to sawdust with one kick.

"Daddy's home bitches!"


	2. Blood stains

_**The Following Is A Disclaimer**_

 _If you are allergic to disclaimers…_

 _Run._

 _Run now._

* * *

Alucard strutted confidently through the hole he'd created into the SDM's ballroom. The candles and chandelier were lit, casting a surprisingly pleasant orange light across the room.

In the center of the ballroom floor, a few dozen fairies were playing games like hop-scotch, checkers, and 'I Vant to Bite Your Finger' - The boardgame. The fairy's had all stopped, their small cute eyes locked onto Alucard.

"Ah, this brings me back." Alucard mused, looking at the bat decorations expertly worked into the woodwork of the stairs and candles. "Oversized house, fancy decorations…" Alucard then took off his hat and glared at the fairies, his eyes glowing red, and his smile showing off his huge pointy teeth. "...And an abundance of snacks."

In unison, all the fairies faces turned pale, and they screamed.

"Code Reimu! Code Reimu! We've got a red one!" One fairy shouted.

Another yelled. "EVERY FAIRY FOR THEMSELVES!"

The SDM staff flew wildly around the room, bumping into everything. Vases crashed to the ground, the red carpet outlining the room became folded and wrinkled, and some of the candles were knocked down. One of the fairies, of which was crying out in terror, flew up to the chandelier and smashed into the chain holding the entire thing up, snapping it.

The chandelier fell towards the ground, but right before it hit, it disappeared. The remaining candles were all placed back and snuffed out at once, everything that had been broken suddenly repaired itself, and the air was filled with bodies hitting the floor, all but one of the fairies now having a knife embedded in their foreheads. The remaining fairy had received a knife to the front of her knee instead, and was rolling around on the floor clutching her injury while making soft sobbing noises.

"What did I tell you?" A female voice cooed. Sakuya walked out from under the stairs and started walking towards the fairy.

"N-Not to… To u-use chalk… On… On the floor." The fairy winced, her eyes tearing up.

"And what did you do?" Sakuya asked, stopping to loom over the small form on the floor.

"W-We used… Chalk… On t-the floor." The fairy muttered.

Sakuya flicked her wrist, a knife appearing in her hand. "As punishment, you will all be responsible for cleaning the mansion tomorrow."

The fairy gasped. "T-The whole… Thing?"

Sakuya held the knife over the fairy's head, letting the weapon dangle. "The whole thing." She then dropped the knife, and it slid into her targets skull.

Then, just as quickly as the candles had gone out, the fairies, blood, and chalk disappeared, and the floor had been given a fresh shine. Sakuya now stood facing Alucard. "And wh-"

"No wait." Alucard interrupted, putting his hat back on with a satisfied smile. "I'm going to need a few minutes before you say or do anything else. I gotta get the most out of this."

"I wait for no one but my master." Sakuya said, not missing a beat. Alucard smirked. "My name is Sakuya Izayoi, and you have killed China. Apologize, and I'll let you off the hook."

"Wait, what?" Alucard said, almost laughing. "Apologize?"

"Yes. You've made a considerably big mess. Smashing the gate and spreading blood around without cleaning up after yourself is quite rude!" Sakuya scolded. "Just who do you think you are, coming in here like this?"

Before Alucard could make his comeback, however, a song started playing, the source of which was his coat.

 _I'ma bitch! I'ma bitch! The bitch is back…_

"Ugh I smashed the wrong phone." Alucard groaned, taking out another phone from his pocket. "Hold on I gotta take this."

Sakuya's eye twitched.

"So. Wazzup?" Alucard asked as he pressed a button and held the phone to his ear.

"WHERE, THE HELL, ARE YOU!?" Integra's voice blasted out.

"Woah woah, calm down. I'm just at my daughter's house." Alucard replied.

Sakuya raised an eyebrow.

"...Your daughters house?" Integra said after a short pause.

"Yep!"

"Alucard… YOU KILLED YOUR FAMILY!"

"THEY DESERVED IT!"

"GET YOUR-"

"Now wait a minute. You can't pull me out of this."

"Wha- Yes I can!"

"No no no no no no no. You see, I'm on vacation."

"..."

"Oh so now what?" Alucard said with sarcastic annoyance. "I don't have vacation days? I didn't even go to Brazil this time!"

"We… Are in the middle… Of a possible war… AND YOU'RE TRYING TO GO ON VACATION!?" Integra yelled.

"We're in the middle of possible war…" Alucard gave a dramatic pause. "...With Nazi's."

"Oh fuck off!" Integra replied.

"Oh come now. You know I only fuck on." Alucard said.

There was a pause.

"Bitch you th-" Alucard stopped mid-sentence, realizing that he was no longer holding his phone. Sakuya was now holding it, and it had been turned off.

"Did she say your name was Alucard?" Sakuya asked.

"Why? Heard of me?" Alucard smiled.

"Ha! Thats… Thats so dumb!" Sakuya said, failing to contain her laughter. "You just… You just REVERSED it?"

"Hey, at least I didn't get a name like Sakuya Izayoi." Alucard countered, before being nailed to the floor with a hail of knives.

"How DARE you make fun of the name my mistress gave me!" Sakuya yelled, her normally blue eyes now red.

Alucard laid on the floor with several dozen knives stabbing his chest, blood pooling out from him. "Oh no." He said nonchalantly. "I seem to be bleeding ALLLLL OVERRR the floor. How ever will the stains come out?"

"You're fucking dead." Sakuya replied, knives appearing in her hands.

There was another pause.

Alucard then smiled demonically, showing off his fanged teeth. "No shit."


End file.
